one more night

Last night my heart was born once again – a strange emotion had transpired and it was unexplainable beyond any word to begin. It was like my heart was melting down until the wicks of my veins were burnt into ashes. The feeling was ephemeral just like the smile on your face that flashed in my thought in split of my heart’s beat…but in a something else. It seemed that everything had changed just like the rivulets that turned into a drought piece of land and my feeling was bursting just like the volcano that released its dormant tension after a decade of reining in. Your “sweet hellos” that gave me air for a jiffy but then it suddenly turned out to be the poison that torn down my heart and hopes. It was the strangest message that you uttered with pure delights of milk and honey but then it was meant to starve me to death.
And also last night my heart was buried six feet under the ground…

YOU decide...

I am busy doing nothing. Thoughts are running through my head about a lot of things, especially the call of flesh. Right now -at this point of time, I am struggling between the cunning sexual desire and the desire to contemplate. You can’t really serve to gods. Contemplation about life and sexual appetite are totally opposite poles. You have to decide which way are you going to. Contemplation versus Sexual Desire, an ongoing struggle for each of us and lucky is the one who has found the perfect mate to enjoy the flesh without the guilt of the standards that’s has been laid upon by the culture. The standards that keep my head spinning on how I will attain exclusion or how will I twist the stated rules by inserting a sense of relativity. But RULES are absolute, universal, (and stiff ) – the books say, the wise men say, they say. Though these were intended to maintain order and equilibrium, in some points these also (somehow) create instability in someone’s world, in someone’s world created different from the scope of the cultural realms, but you’re too insignificant to be noticed (because you think you are). After a tedious and thorough contemplation about the standards – the must-do, the more I realized how hard it is to fit in yourself in the written standards if you see the world in a deliberate opposite to the rules embedded upon your soul. The rules are simply meant to give a façade of balance but obviously almost everything is on the space of instability – maybe lost in wilderness. NOW YOU DECIDE; Conformity to the world that’s running the opposite of its definition or conformity to what you think is right for you? The good way is the hard way – they say, again. But I am decided now – I conform to the things that will make me happy because at the end of the day it’s only my world, my own world.

im somebody's nobody

I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us — don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know.
How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

I’m no good in terms of poem interpretation, in digging out the gist beneath the lines, the words, and the tone of the speaker. However, this wonderful poem of Emily Dickenson, I’m Nobody! Who are you, had popped into my mind while I was reading the novel of Han Nolan. I first encountered this poem during my elementary grades, wherein we were given a poem recital. Our teacher explained all about the poem but I did not get any of her points, I just liked it on how I recite it; the rhyming sounds and how the poem struck me with the style that as if I was talking to myself only.


Now, at least I’ve tried to read between the lines. I’m nobody! Who are you? Contemplating about the first line caused me a long-drawn-out time. I’m nobody. It’s hard to be nobody when society has taught us to be proactive (that proactive are better) and the thought became the standard, the good, the quality. Throughout my life, I have tried to be somebody, somebody just like my dad, my cousins, my siblings’ playmates, my classmates. I've tried so hard to be somebody just to feel the sense of company and the feeling of being “likeable”. Time has transpired so fast, and I didn’t notice that I was acting somebody but in fact, I’m just nobody. I sounded like a crazy frog, blabbering just to be part of the crowd (which I didn’t recognize at first) and then I lost the sense of distinction, my own sense of distinction. I had the experience of spotlights and the cloud nine of infamy for once (at least) or twice and it made me feel like I was ten feet higher than the ground but then I fell...hard, so hard.

I remember, my high school friend had told me once that I ‘d have my failed days in due time. His words were so powerful that now I’m on my trying times, the feeling of the other extreme judging against to feeling I had on the spotlight.

Just lately, I felt “I’m Nobody”, a speck of dirt in the vast universe, floating, living, moving unknowingly, and just nothing. And for once, I felt a warmth despite of being alone, despite of my chilling hands yearning for a hand to clinch on. Somehow, it brought positive things on me - somehow. But as I looked on my cell phone, though I haven’t been “loading” for months, messages are still coming out. In that case, I’ve realized something, something very important. Yes, I’m nobody but I’m somebody for the ones who care for me, who still love( i don't know what's the right term) me despite of my blandness. They may not be a coliseum- quantity or can’t even complete a team in number but I know I could count them on my fingers. They exist not only because I think of them, it's because I’m somebody for them. I can be somebody for them or just nobody. It’s an opposing standpoint that you’d want to be nobody but you’d also want to be somebody to everyone.




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