filthy crime

For heaven's grace, I was acquitted. It was years ago when I killed someone. I was young then but I already had the concrete idea of right and wrong, of good and evil. But with devil's provocation, I unintentionally killed a person - bit by bit. It was only after 8 years when I found out that the person had died dreadfully and the reason was the filthy act that I did, which is a crime. I was taken aback and I had the grave feeling of doomsday hell. I knew that time that my soul would be crying out in hell. Every day was hell and even in my dreams that person was haunting me - crying for help with broken vocal folds. I thought of killing myself too but I realized something important, something elusive but relaxing. Then I made a promise - as I always do at times of hopelessness. I made a promise of reviving the soul of that person. Though I haven't made any move yet, the security of that promise has been living up with my veins. Yesterday the gate of forgiveness has opened up for my soul, for my soul to revive himself. I was able to face the person whom I killed 10 years ago. Then I recalled my promise and made a whisper to my soul, "today, you'll take breaths again and today we'll make that promise into a reality.

...a new day, a new relationship, and a new life -rebirth.

Fear...
"Fear is sickness" so we need to face it and digest it whole for us to move on. Fear of unknown is a great hindrance to fulfill our own personal legends. Do not fear...

Forgiveness...
Ask for forgiveness and it will be given up to you. Forgiving an enemy is easy than forgiving a friend who wronged at you. But the most difficult person to forgive is no other than your self. The guilt of doing a crime is always there – at the back of your mind, and every day is becoming as hard as the guilt accumulates - it never ceases to flow. But that's the thing that I have learned today - to forgive your self. Forgive your neighbors as you forgive yourself. Life moves on once you unload the grump of guilt feeling. No one is perfect. Everyone makes wrong things for once in a while or more often. For us to start a new day, a new relationship, and a new life -rebirth, we need to forgive ourselves...

YOU

the poem was moved here

my pathetic perception

Yesterday I was fucked-up because of the heavy rains that pelt down the earth and caused a hasty filthy flood.

I left home going to my cousin's pad with a promise to my sister that I would be back before 3pm for my niece's tutorial. But unavoidable things may happen anytime and for me it was the rain. The heavy rain caused the flood - a usual scenario here in metro manila, and made a bumper-to-bumper traffic. I sent a text message to my sister informing the grave situation but I did not receive any reply. Then I made a ring to clear out things but she did not understand me or I think she did not even make an effort to understand me. She's firm when it comes to deadlines and promises. She has this high flaunting ego and stiff personality, maybe because of her job - a manager to a dozen of subordinates that consumed her light attitude, I guess. She talked to me as if it was my entire fault. And the conversation was leading to a point that I was just exaggerating or fabricating a story.



With my stupidity, I did what he she has instructed me to do so. I went against the resistance of the flood and traffic. I walked along the streets; riding on a cab or any type of conveyance is useless at times like that. My shoes, socks, pants - the whole me, were totally drenched by the filthy water. And the feeling was very odd. The time I got home, I was totally soaked, literally speaking. My sister opened up the door for me and then I saw the shock reaction in her eyes, but she hid it by saying, "Nobody has insisted you". I did not say a word.
This is my stupidity. Yes, I am stupid and I love to do stupid things. What’s the payoff of being stupid? Pain, yes, it’s the pleasure of inflicting pain: the pain that makes you more of a human as you feel how vulnerable and weak you are. Stupidity defines smartness that makes a laughing stock for the feeling-smarty people. I love this pain because I am a masochist. It delights me whenever there is pain, to receive pain with open arms. They say that it’s a human nature to shield out pain but I think I deviate to this benchmark. More over, I also love to share my bitterness; to share the pain that I have and for others to appreciate it and to learn how to love it. For being silent, I know that I had won a part of that battle. I know that I shared with her my stupidity, and my pain. And it’s the most pleasurable pain: when you didn’t do it directly but it shot the target precisely – on their hearts. I am a sadist too.

xoxoxo

The blue roses fill my room
Drops of scarlet red
From my heart's tear

The thorny stems that
Keep on enclosing me
Embracing the moment
Until I retire and die

The tip of your finger
Lingers on my face
Brushing down my loneliness
And watering my parched heart

But the rushing air
Sweeps us away
Loosens our tender grip
And the silhouette of love fades

i want

the poem was moved here

pilgrimage part 1

I woke up early. The thought came in spontaneously. I fix myself, rode in a train and took another tedious trip via jeepney. It took more or less a one hour ride. I was seated just next to the driver's seat, looking at the view as we transverse the slope land and enjoying the fresh air brushing my face. The jeepney was jam packed with almost 16 asses, bumping and pushing for an inch space of a slight comfort from the stationary illness. While i was enjoying the ride, i pictured out my destination place - the pilgrim's haven for spiritual uplift. I thought of a Tower erected in a mysterious land, flaunting its baroque style structure with a misty odor at the inside and candles burning at the dim area of silence. My imagination was startled when i saw a university, which i had plans of pursuing my career then. Then after few more minutes, i landed on the place. I was awed not because of the beauty of the place rather for the place's metro touch on it - the opposite of my pictured image. I did feel something different, though.
Sample pictures:

Happy Bday

Today, we, the catholics celebrate the Birthday of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Happy Birthday!


I went to EDSA Shrine to celebrate HER birthday. I knelt down silently, feeling some spiritual englightenment but I never had even a bit of it. I walked out with the same feelings, loads, and in low spirit. I am one of the catholics (or let me say trained catholics) who believed in different spiritual practices like this one. I believe in Her as I belive in GOD, and as I believe in everything around me. It's just that I am always on a struggle with this faith. Happy Birthday Mama Mary!!! help us!

sloth

My crib has never run out of fluffy bread, especially pandesal. My folks are gripped to this commodity and so I am. It was around two in the dead morning when I felt a sudden ache on my gut, with the usual bourborigmus sound effect, while I was having my scheduled day dreaming express. I looked around to every corner of the kitchen for anything edible to devour. I rummaged the kitchen cabinets and the fridge, but the only thing that I had was a plastic bag of pandesal. I took 3 pieces: I stuffed one piece in my mouth and one on each hand. I thought of spreading some cheese or peanut butter on it but my action was not materialized because I felt too “lazy” of doing it. I just really felt lazy that night, that even putting cheese spread on my bread was a big deal. Therefore, I chomped the food with half-satisfied palate. gee...sloth!

2nd day! bumbum!

It’s our second day bumming around.
Rendezvous place: Fullybooked, Gateway Mall
Time: Around 1:00pm but it’s implied 2:00pm.

I was the first one to arrive at Fullybooked bookstore. I gaped into the new books at the shelves like the Twilight and Brida, which I couldn’t buy for their skyrocket price, lol. I actually prefer BookSale for their bargain basement priced, dusty smelly though. The misty old atmosphere delighted me – as always, that’s why it’s chosen to be the rendezvous place for almost all of the meet up. Then I caught myself looking at the shelves of finance and marketing, lol. I couldn’t even believe myself that I was there. However, I had a book about investment, I read some points on it, and I was awed for the helpful stuffs about making your money grow with right attitude and techniques. It was the book of Robert Kiyosaki, Rich Dad, Poor Dad. I advise you to read it also. While I was browsing the investment books, I sensed the goof attack of Mickey. I caught him on his way to get the crap out of my soul – lucky me. Mickey gazed at me and asked the heck of browsing those books. I just told him change of heart – from sciences to finance. But it’s really nice to have an idea about investment and finance. I think it should be incorporated as general minor subjects in college curriculum instead of Philippine History or someone’s history – just a thought. We went out of the bookstore and started the figuring-out moment about the place to hangout. We roamed around the mall and when our tummies shouted for blessings, we had a stopover at taco bell. I had the cheapest meal, crunchwrap supreme – stuffed with nacho cheese, beef, sour cream and veggies, with an outer crunchy tostado.Mickey opted for a bowl meal, which later on when it was served, he referred as cat’s food on a bowl. His food looked like Chinese rather than Mexican. The food was pretty okay but I know I could do better – in terms of my own palate. Mexican food is a quickie food. The step is easy as 1-2-3. Just prepare cilantro, parsley, tomatoes, bell pepper, sour cream and then that’s it. The next step is about mixing to please your palate. Wahahaha! It feels good when you’re feeling like someone – like a chef maybe. After the meal, we had to figure out again the next activity. All right, the usual goofing around. “Gonna do” game, guessing the crap on someone’s head. There was a fat man passing by on Van Heusen store with a fixed stare on the statue model. My presumption was “Oh when am I going to have that kind of body, I couldn’t even see my prick with this belly”. Mickey’s speculation was “oh buddy that’s a good body for me to get giddy”. And we both laughed out like idiots. Then there was a girl with an all pink costume, “Look at me; I was dumped by my boyfriend that’s why I needed to look like stupid”, and a lot more goofing out. When we got bored of that stuff, we went out of the mall to get out nicotine dose. Then I saw an “ukay-ukay” store just in front of the mall. I needed to convince Mickey to try that activity for he’s an obsessive-compulsive jerk when it comes to cleanliness. With chicken and girlie annoyance, I made him to agree with me. He can’t beat my stupidity – it’s a fact. Therefore, we entered the cloak of hand-me-down clothes. I had an image of clothes mushrooming on the tables but the garments were neatly arranged, it’s not bad rummaging then. We got a polo shirt G200, cream-colored and still on a good condition. I insisted Mickey to fit it. I was the one who made an effort to find it so it was his turn to do his share. Whoa! The fit was perfect but we decided to look for more, for we thought there were better than that. We hopped from store to store til’ we had our hands so damn dusty. After minutes of rummaging, Mickey pulled me out from the store, literary speaking, and made his piranha’s look of annoyance. All right, it was time for me to follow him, pity him, I guess, lol. Therefore, the ukay activity ended up to nothing but filth on our hands. Luckily, chow king was there to tidy ourselves in - the newly opened chow king in front of gateway mall.We both got hungry again; Mickey ordered noodles while I picked up donuts in a store across the street. Whew! That was a goodie-good activity. We spent the next few hours by puffing black devil together with Kiwi fruit juice, the ultimate combo. Kiwi juice is so damn exciting to drink; it has the irritants on my palate. Whoa!