Sunday, August 10, 2008
If I were given a chance to be somebody, I would choose to be the larger-than-life cowboy. A man free of ties, worries, and responsibility. A man of freedom and control, and with powerful strength in the chase of life up to the end of the horizon, to the length of the seashore, and to the boundaries of the sun and the moon. A man who has the power of filling out the blanks in his life without needing someone to row the boat with. Free, just like the wind.
I had enough and it all ended up to NOTHING. Therefore, before I let you feel bad about yourself, lemme confess these things.
I love it when you tell me the stories of your life; your family, hobbies, things that would make you feel good and bad about, your dreams, your plans and your emotions.
However, I don’t like when you try hard to crack down my mind. The moments when you wanted to open up my book. It sounds selfish, I know. But it really feels bad when you ask me questions that require an immediate answer. It feels like regressing I’m regressing to my childhood school experience; the q and a and recitation with my unbendable teachers and everything would just turn out to nothing, the best commodity that I could give - useless.
I need time. I need to think. I need to process things and to sort out the junks in my head. I’m not as good as you are in terms of emotional open up.
I love it when you spill out your sentiments with me. It feels like that I am needed, a knight in a shining armor that is ready to protect and comfort you. Nevertheless, it gives me frustration when you become an emotional basket. It feels that I am responsible for everything and it feels that I am useless, seeing you down and helpless.
I love it when you give your spontaneous compliments to me, the way you hand out your cheesy lines and mushy emotions. However, it kills me when it’s all becoming a ritual. It’s numbing me down and it creates resentment on me.
For now, I just want to become a cowboy, to find my competence again, and to grow into a real man, not a kiddo with fear and resentment to the world. I want to bring back the control within myself, the confidence. I need to define myself again.
N.B.: pls remember my last message for you.