filthy crime

For heaven's grace, I was acquitted. It was years ago when I killed someone. I was young then but I already had the concrete idea of right and wrong, of good and evil. But with devil's provocation, I unintentionally killed a person - bit by bit. It was only after 8 years when I found out that the person had died dreadfully and the reason was the filthy act that I did, which is a crime. I was taken aback and I had the grave feeling of doomsday hell. I knew that time that my soul would be crying out in hell. Every day was hell and even in my dreams that person was haunting me - crying for help with broken vocal folds. I thought of killing myself too but I realized something important, something elusive but relaxing. Then I made a promise - as I always do at times of hopelessness. I made a promise of reviving the soul of that person. Though I haven't made any move yet, the security of that promise has been living up with my veins. Yesterday the gate of forgiveness has opened up for my soul, for my soul to revive himself. I was able to face the person whom I killed 10 years ago. Then I recalled my promise and made a whisper to my soul, "today, you'll take breaths again and today we'll make that promise into a reality.

...a new day, a new relationship, and a new life -rebirth.

Fear...
"Fear is sickness" so we need to face it and digest it whole for us to move on. Fear of unknown is a great hindrance to fulfill our own personal legends. Do not fear...

Forgiveness...
Ask for forgiveness and it will be given up to you. Forgiving an enemy is easy than forgiving a friend who wronged at you. But the most difficult person to forgive is no other than your self. The guilt of doing a crime is always there – at the back of your mind, and every day is becoming as hard as the guilt accumulates - it never ceases to flow. But that's the thing that I have learned today - to forgive your self. Forgive your neighbors as you forgive yourself. Life moves on once you unload the grump of guilt feeling. No one is perfect. Everyone makes wrong things for once in a while or more often. For us to start a new day, a new relationship, and a new life -rebirth, we need to forgive ourselves...

YOU

the poem was moved here

my pathetic perception

Yesterday I was fucked-up because of the heavy rains that pelt down the earth and caused a hasty filthy flood.

I left home going to my cousin's pad with a promise to my sister that I would be back before 3pm for my niece's tutorial. But unavoidable things may happen anytime and for me it was the rain. The heavy rain caused the flood - a usual scenario here in metro manila, and made a bumper-to-bumper traffic. I sent a text message to my sister informing the grave situation but I did not receive any reply. Then I made a ring to clear out things but she did not understand me or I think she did not even make an effort to understand me. She's firm when it comes to deadlines and promises. She has this high flaunting ego and stiff personality, maybe because of her job - a manager to a dozen of subordinates that consumed her light attitude, I guess. She talked to me as if it was my entire fault. And the conversation was leading to a point that I was just exaggerating or fabricating a story.



With my stupidity, I did what he she has instructed me to do so. I went against the resistance of the flood and traffic. I walked along the streets; riding on a cab or any type of conveyance is useless at times like that. My shoes, socks, pants - the whole me, were totally drenched by the filthy water. And the feeling was very odd. The time I got home, I was totally soaked, literally speaking. My sister opened up the door for me and then I saw the shock reaction in her eyes, but she hid it by saying, "Nobody has insisted you". I did not say a word.
This is my stupidity. Yes, I am stupid and I love to do stupid things. What’s the payoff of being stupid? Pain, yes, it’s the pleasure of inflicting pain: the pain that makes you more of a human as you feel how vulnerable and weak you are. Stupidity defines smartness that makes a laughing stock for the feeling-smarty people. I love this pain because I am a masochist. It delights me whenever there is pain, to receive pain with open arms. They say that it’s a human nature to shield out pain but I think I deviate to this benchmark. More over, I also love to share my bitterness; to share the pain that I have and for others to appreciate it and to learn how to love it. For being silent, I know that I had won a part of that battle. I know that I shared with her my stupidity, and my pain. And it’s the most pleasurable pain: when you didn’t do it directly but it shot the target precisely – on their hearts. I am a sadist too.